Absolution
by Friendly Voices
Summary: She was the only one who truly knew him – all his fears and uncertainties, all his virtues and vices. He needed her. She was the air he breathed. He was a sinner and Lizzie was his absolution. AU.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

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**Absolution**

It was late, so very late. Raymond trudged up the stairs, weary and wary with the now well familiar feeling of guilt creeping in. He rubbed his neck and the back of his head, heaving a deep sigh when he saw the ray of light showing through the crack under the bedroom door.

Lizzie was not asleep, then.

Closing his eyes briefly, he steadied himself and pushed the door open silently.

She was sitting in their bed propped by both their pillows. She was reading a book. She was crying – wordlessly, soundlessly with tears simply rolling down her cheeks – and she was doing her best not to look at him. Raymond noticed all of this immediately.

She never shouted, never accused him of anything. She knew that the silent reproach and the pain evident in her eyes and posture were enough to make him feel guilty, to slowly kill him from inside.

"Lizzie, sweetheart…" He swallowed thickly. "Why aren't you sleeping, love?"

"Where have you been, Raymond? I needed to tell you something."

He winced. Raymond. Not Ray or Red, but Raymond. She knew, of course. She always knew and he didn't want to say it out loud. He didn't want to blatantly lie right to her face. As a trained professional, she would know. Why did she have to ask?

"Don't bother to answer." She nodded and closed her book. "I don't' want to hear it. That lipstick on your collar says it all anyway."

"Then why do you ask?" His hand reflexively rose and he fingered the collar of his shirt, irritated. "Do you enjoy this? Do you really like to… to wallow in this?"

"I can't say I do, but you seem to love putting us through it again and again, Raymond."

"Well." He didn't know what to say and he simply gazed at her. His wife was more than twenty years younger than him. He had shamelessly seduced her – his closest friend's daughter, the best friend of his own little girl – and he didn't regret it.

It had all happened so fast. One moment he had been talking to Sam, drinking beer on his porch, and the next he had been choking on it at the sight of her. Little Lizzie had certainly grown up and matured in New York and Raymond had known, he had simply know there and then, that he had been looking at his future.

Their marriage bliss had lasted for two years before his past had caught up with him. Raymond 'Red' Reddington was a charming man, a powerful man, and he loved the thrill of hunt, all sorts of adventures – and women. He looked so damned good in his dashing admiral uniform that they were simply throwing themselves at him. It wasn't his fault. Really.

Raymond's first wife had a different opinion, and he dreaded the moment when Lizzie would decide that she had enough, too. She was the only one who truly knew him – all his fears and uncertainties, all his virtues and vices. He needed her. She was the air he breathed. He was a sinner and Lizzie was his absolution.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." He moved further into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, reaching for her. He hated when she cried and he started to brush the tears away. "What do you need to tell me?"

Liz shifted and caught his hand, squeezing it tightly. She avoided looking at him, well aware how he disliked it. "Not now, Raymond. I… I need to think first, and I'll be in court all day… So, we will talk later. Ok?

"We can talk whenever you are ready, sweetheart." He nodded and cupped her cheek, smiling softly. He was extremely proud of his able headstrong wife. The Lorca case had been her first major success when she had been in New York and the reason why she had made it so quickly to the FBI as a profiler.

However, Raymond had forgotten that the trial was planned for the next day much to his shame. They would celebrate it, and he would make up for his slip. Raymond was a caring and thoughtful husband, most of the time, and he loved to spoil his wife.

"Please, would you sleep on the couch tonight?" Liz stilled his hands and looked at him with trepidation. Her eyes were red-rimmed. Unfortunately, in the moments when he forgot himself, Raymond hurt her and no matter how much he regretted it afterwards, it seemed that he was unable to stop doing it.

"Of course." He rose. She could never fall asleep with him next to her when she was this upset. He understood even though he didn't wish to leave. Red liked to come home to her like a ship's sailing into the safety of a home port and not falling asleep beside her put him at edge, doubling his fears. At the door, he stopped and asked in a small voice, "You… you don't want to leave me, do you? That's not what you want to talk about, right?"

He loved her. He didn't love any of the other women.

"I… I'm not sure anymore." Lizzie whispered and he resisted the urge to turn around. His shoulders slouched and he bowed his head, his forehead touching the cold wood of the door.

"I'm an idiot."

"Yes."

"But I love you."

Liz was quiet for a moment and Raymond turned to look at her. She was staring at her hands folded on her stomach, her cheeks thankfully dry. He wasn't sure if he could handle more of her tears without breaking down himself. He would have begged for her forgiveness, but he didn't deserve it – so he had never asked and she had never given it.

"We can't continue like this, Ray."

Those words stung and his blood run cold. She sounded so sad and tired, it made him almost sick. Without a second thought, he crossed the room and kneeled beside the bed, clutching her hands in his.

"You can't… you can't leave me." He was begging now – a feverish prayer of a dying man. He didn't know why it was her, of all people, who had captured his very soul. Why they had fallen in love against all odds. Why she stayed with him despite all of his faults. He just knew that their connection was special and unique and she couldn't leave him.

After a long deafening silence, Liz managed to free her left hand and caressed the top of his head. Raymond leaned into her touch and closed his eyes when she moved to his temple.

"Things will change, Raymond."

He nodded, pressing a fervent kiss in her palm. Liz would never give him an ultimatum, but he understood her words perfectly. The certainty in her voice made him understand. Things would change – either he changed them, or she would and he wouldn't survive her drastic course of action. That was a fact, a simple truth.

He would be better, he would treat her right, Lizzie would be the only woman in his life – and this time, he wanted to keep his promise.

.-.

The next morning Raymond slept late and Lizzie had been long gone when he woke up. He showered and being the caring husband he was, he decided to take out the trash from the bathroom. When he bent down for the bin, he noticed that inside was something that made him go utterly, completely still.

A pregnancy test. Raymond took it out for a closer inspection and grinned. A positive pregnancy test. Lizzie had wanted to talk about their baby – and he had been… otherwise occupied.

He grimaced and shook his head. The prospect of losing her was enough to bring him to his knees, but the idea of Lizzie leaving him bearing his child was unthinkable.

Raymond shuddered and hurried outside with the trash. He had a dinner to cook and flowers to buy. Maybe he could drop by a jeweler? He had wanted to surprise his lovely young wife with something nice for ages and now he had the right opportunity.

A baby. He was going to be a father again.

He hummed contently and changed into casual clothes. He looked for his keys for a few minutes, his mind wandering back to those not so enthusiastic reactions from their family that had accompanied the beginning of their marriage. It had been difficult, especially for Lizzie.

His reputation as a womanizer was rather well known and while Sam had never approved of his behavior, he hadn't tried to lecture him. Red's life had been his own, he had always said. Sam's approach had changed when Raymond had proposed to Liz; his friend had even stopped talking to him. Jennifer, barely on speaking terms with her father, had had a fit, well remembering how Raymond's affairs had destroyed her childhood. Both of them had tried so hard to talk Lizzie out of the marriage…

Getting in his car, he shook his head. Sam and Jennifer had been right, of course, and Lizzie had been hurt. Yet no one could say that their marriage was an unhappy one, no one. Raymond adored his wife and they were going to have a baby. Things would change.

A baby was a blessing. Raymond was certain that this wonderful surprise would bring the family together – and even his amazingly strong Lizzie needed and more importantly deserved that.

His second child wouldn't grow up to hate him.

Raymond was just starting up when his phone rang. He reached for it and frowned at the ID. "What can I do for you, Agent Ressler?"

"Admiral Reddington, sir…" He heard a terrible noise in the background, a horrid cacophony of sounds; sirens, shouting, a deep roaring of a fire. He swallowed and gripped the wheel. Why was Ressler calling him? Their antipathy was mutual and Raymond had tried to have him fired several times. He so disliked the way the boy was ogling his wife… Ressler's promise that he would break Raymond's jaw should he cheat on Liz ever again had nothing to do with that. Raymond did admire Ressler's concern for Lizzie's well-being.

"It's about your wife…" His voice was shaking."I'm so sorry, sir, but… she is gone."

Ressler was droning on but Raymond dropped his phone, not interested in details.

Lizzie was taken from him. Their baby was taken from him. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He was left adrift in a stormy sea, he was left to rot in hell.

Raymond slowly got out of his car and closed the door, humming absentmindedly. He went inside their house and up the stairs. He stopped briefly by the door of their spare bedroom and stared inside. It would have been a wonderful children's room.

With a deep breath he entered their bedroom. This time, there was no Lizzie reading in their bed and Raymond discovered that he had been silently, wordlessly crying the whole time – the tears were simply rolling down his cheeks and he hadn't even noticed.

He crossed the room to the bed and kneeled down at Lizzie's side. There was only one reasonable thing to do, wasn't it? He nodded to himself. He had promised that his wife would be the only woman in his life from that night on, hadn't he?

His hands were steady when he opened the drawer to her bedside table. He reached in and drew out Lizzie's spare gun. He didn't want to use his own. His wife had always been his absolution, and she would be once again.

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So, I'm slightly nervous about your reactions :) Let me know, please.

Edited by artemisfae.


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